The two most powerful warriors are patience and time, and both of those this past August were tested big time for me for many reasons, but today I am going to give one of those reasons their moment to stand alone and be celebrated because “though she be but little, she is fierce” and so much about this little being deserves to be doted upon.
For some of my readers who may not be aware, August happens to be a month of awareness and celebration of Rainbow Babies. “A rainbow baby is a baby born shortly after the loss of a previous baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth or death in infancy. This term is given to these special rainbow babies because a rainbow typically follows a storm, giving us hope of what’s to come.” I happen to have 3 of these special little babies, all of which have an amazing story of their own and we are so grateful daily to have the privilege to raise. But our middle rainbow celebrated her 3rd Birthday at a time where my life was being pulled in so many different directions and she just grabbed my hand in a hectic moment, looked me right in my eyes and said “its about time”.
That moment happened to be the day I was reminded it was a celebration of rainbow babies ironically and it struck me deep in my core to hear her say those words because her entire existence was “about time”. I didn’t get the chance to touch on it the way that I ought to in August, but there is something to say about watching a child flourish that you were told wasn’t viable to begin with. I vividly remember sitting in a hospital bed after a number of tests and having a doctor run through a course of action for terminating a non-viable pregnancy with me and after already been through this before there was something in my soul that told me that this just wasn’t right. I was literally being presented with this one course of action again to take methotrexate, a drug that I had to take previously while in the midst of an ectopic pregnancy. I was told that yet again I was pregnant, it was ectopic and to prevent further damage to my fallopian tube I could take this drug to prevent the growth of this fetus.
I remembered all of these risks from the time before and I called my husband who was at home with our daughter and frantically regurgitated this information to him after the doctor stepped out of the room. Somewhere in this very brief chat with him I went through about 80 emotions, I was tired, I was in pain and I just wanted a better answer than what I was given. I was dejected, and really downright depressed that I was here again. My husband, seriously, God blessed this man with the ability to always be right on time with his words and said your health is my priority but what do you feel is the best option that they gave you? And I had to stop… and pull myself out of this frenzy, because the reality was….I didn’t feel that they gave me any options, what I felt was that I was being told what I was going to do. In that moment I got an added sense of strength and I told him, I feel like I need time, and he said I support you and tell them that’s what you need. And I did. Nothing about this felt right to me. Yes I was in pain, Yes I wanted some answers, but I also needed time to figure out if I actually had any other options not just this course of action because it was in my record that I had to do this once before.
It was a while before the doctor came back in, so long that I had the chance to call my OB’s office to see when my regular doctor would be back in town. I was notified that it would be another week, something told me that even though that was a long time that I could wait to be seen. (and by something, I really mean someone, God sent a dose of faith my way this particular day that I will always hold on to) The doctor came back with a nurse and was ready to go ahead with this shot and I had to interrupt and simply asked, could you go over the risks I could be facing if I waited about a week to make this decision? When I tell you the sheer look of disdain that I received from this doctor just by asking was enough for me to not even listen to the answer to my own damn question. I quickly said , “thanks for the info, I’ll just go home and wait to see if it worsens” he snapped back “I have to warn you, you could lose this tube and your life!” and I just nodded in agreeance, signed the papers and said I plan to follow up before either of those extremes were the case. I hobbled my pain ridden bleeding body back to my car and cried all the way back home. My tears at this point weren’t because of the pain, I cried a cry of relief because I felt like I had just escaped making one of the worst decisions of my life. 2 weeks later I found out why.
You see they had misdiagnosed my very viable pregnancy as a non-viable ectopic pregnancy. My very living breathing child could have ceased to exist at the behest of a Doctor at a hospital that I decided to never willingly be seen at again who just didn’t take his time. Two ruptured cysts were the cause, but the misdiagnosis could have been fatal for this beautiful little rainbow baby that just celebrated 3 entire years on this earth. Every breath that she takes is a constant reminder of how precious time really is, that you have to value time, and while time waits for no one you have to take the time you are given and make the best (decisions included) out of it. I really started to reevaluate a lot of my time, and what I do with it and for the past couple of years I’ve been putting forth some legitimate effort in making sure there is quality in the time that I have. Her name is Lolah Jane, she came here with the gift of time, its what she’s wanted me to understand day in and day out and whatever Lolah wants (time included) Lolah gets.